Hunger is a fascinating thing. It ranges from the most obvious connotations of a lack of food, to any other desire that may persist despite conscious arguments. I find myself being quite hungry as of late, although no food will sate this void. I find myself hungry for other things. More selfish things. I find myself hungry for things that I have trouble justifying. Perhaps it’s just because of some sort of neurosis I have, either the reason for the hunger, or the lack of justification. I find myself hungry for a relationship. I find myself hungry for social interaction with people I love. I find myself hungry for sex. Although I know that on some level these are all things that I should be able to justify I just can’t. I’m overcome by feelings of guilt. I’ve never found satisfaction in these pursuits. I have to show other people I’m impressive so that they will sate my needs and I will not need to ask for them.
I can’t figure it out. Maybe I could find the answers in religion. If it’s all because of some higher, uncontrollable power, I wouldn’t have to be accountable for anything. I would be free. I would be released from this burden. I know better than that, though. I know that it doesn’t work that way. I know that it just won’t work. When I hang out with people, I feel like I have more a purpose. Either because if I make myself busy enough than I don’t think about it, or because people are the essential definition of my life. I’m not sure which. If my entire life is based around other people, though, that would explain my obsession with what they think of me. At least if I could surround myself with people that just laud me with praise the only big problem would be my annoyance with what I perceive as undeserving compliments. I would only have to work on accepting that I am worthy of attention, and am worthy of compliments. I think that’s one of the things that so appeals to me at dance, the attention I’m lavished with.
People like to give me compliments, and to build up my ego. It’s certainly satisfying on some level to hear people putting me upon a pedestal. There’s a certain amount of pleasure from having knowledge with other people do not have, and sharing it with them. Partially from the observation of watching them understand what I’ve shown them, partially from their need for me. The fact that I’m more talented than them at something. That I can get this quickly and easily, but they have to work for it. They have to practice. They need to earn it, rather than have it handed to them. I’m gifted, thus I don’t work as hard as other people do. It just comes to me. And you know what? That’s how it should be. I’m really good at stuff. I’m smart. I’ve got a lot of things figured out. If you or anyone else need help with almost anything, I’ll figure it out for you if you let me.
But I don’t know myself.
