Lonely
I’ve felt lonely lately. I think partially due to the exit from the dance community that abruptly happened with Spring Break. I miss them, I’ll admit it. But I think it’s partially more than that. I miss having someone around in a more than friends manner. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic, but I do miss the companionship. I know a lot of people my age get pets for that very reason, but that’s not really an option. Before the student show it was easy to say that I was too busy to develop any kind of relationship. I still will have plenty going on, but I’m starting to see when it could clear up, for one thing. I’ll have Easter with the church, but that will be done with by April 2, I’ll have my recital, but one way or another, that will be done with on April 16. I’ll still have the Spring Dance Concert, but that’s only one piece and that’ll be done with at the end of April. I need to put in some more effort for meteorology, stop having so much senioritis and just treat it like a class. And I can always find ways to become busy again, I usually do. Shouldn’t I take a chance, though? I suppose some of it is being afraid to take a chance. If I try for more than a friend with someone, and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll lose that friendship. However, I think that’s a dangerous thought process. I don’t want anything to stagnate. If I set a role or relationship, I’ve effectively killed the relationship with that person, whatever that means. I suppose I’m slightly anthropomorphizing, but I think the point is still understood. I don’t think it’s so simple as growing closer or further apart, although I know the appeal of such a dichotomy. Everything would fit nicely on a spectrum and would go one way or the other, and there wouldn’t be anything more complex. Honestly, I think there are opportunities, it’s just a question of not squashing them compulsively. I’ve gotten into a very defensive mode, and won’t really let people get close who aren’t already there. I’ve been trying not to look at anyone as more than a friend just because it’s safer, I presume. I dunno, I’ll work on it, some other time than 6 in the morning.
