Lonely

I’ve felt lonely lately. I think partially due to the exit from the dance community that abruptly happened with Spring Break. I miss them, I’ll admit it. But I think it’s partially more than that. I miss having someone around in a more than friends manner. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic, but I do miss the companionship. I know a lot of people my age get pets for that very reason, but that’s not really an option. Before the student show it was easy to say that I was too busy to develop any kind of relationship. I still will have plenty going on, but I’m starting to see when it could clear up, for one thing. I’ll have Easter with the church, but that will be done with by April 2, I’ll have my recital, but one way or another, that will be done with on April 16. I’ll still have the Spring Dance Concert, but that’s only one piece and that’ll be done with at the end of April. I need to put in some more effort for meteorology, stop having so much senioritis and just treat it like a class. And I can always find ways to become busy again, I usually do. Shouldn’t I take a chance, though? I suppose some of it is being afraid to take a chance. If I try for more than a friend with someone, and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll lose that friendship. However, I think that’s a dangerous thought process. I don’t want anything to stagnate. If I set a role or relationship, I’ve effectively killed the relationship with that person, whatever that means. I suppose I’m slightly anthropomorphizing, but I think the point is still understood. I don’t think it’s so simple as growing closer or further apart, although I know the appeal of such a dichotomy. Everything would fit nicely on a spectrum and would go one way or the other, and there wouldn’t be anything more complex. Honestly, I think there are opportunities, it’s just a question of not squashing them compulsively. I’ve gotten into a very defensive mode, and won’t really let people get close who aren’t already there. I’ve been trying not to look at anyone as more than a friend just because it’s safer, I presume. I dunno, I’ll work on it, some other time than 6 in the morning.

An Interview

B – You don’t know me. Don’t even pretend to know me. How would you even begin to know me? Did you grow up where I did? Have you even been to where I grew up? I didn’t think so. So maybe you’ll back the fuck off, eh? I had a hard life, always have. That’s why I have character. Not soft like some fucking people around here. You mind if I smoke in here?

A – No, that’s perfectly allowed.

B – Thanks. Now, what’d you want to ask me about, anyway?

A – Well, why don’t we start with your early life, where you grew up?

B – Alright, but don’t pretend like you know what it’s like. Some fucking people. Anyway, it was hard, mom was always at work, dad was always drunk, and me and my sister basically raised ourselves. It was hard, barely being able to feed ourselves. I had to scrap a lot too. Kids can be so mean, I know my dad’s a deadbeat! No need to rub my face in it. But he’s family, so I gotta defend him and I gotta beat those people up.

A – Is that when you first started fighting, or had you had some training before that?

B – Training? You kidding me? Training. Shit, if I had training they wouldn’t-a tried to pick fights with me so often. I learned how to fight by staying alive. It was just what I had to do to survive, and to protect Liz. She would’t fight like me, she’d just take it and hope to get through.

A – Would you have fought if you didn’t have to defend Liz?

B – That’s a tough one. I s’pose I would’ve, just not as much. I would’ve just fought enough for them to leave me alone. They always picked on her, though, she was frail, so she was an easy target, until I showed up, that is! They couldn’t touch her around me, although I s’pose they could’ve, now that I think about it.

A – Why’s that?

B – Well, a lotta the time I’d be real out numbered, there’d be like 7 or 8 of them, but because they never ganged up on me, wouldn’t be a fair fight. See, if you didn’t beat someone fair, it didn’t count, you lost cred that way, and what’s the point in fightin’ if people don’t fear you?

A – Did you keep that same mindset into your college career?

B – Yeah, I guess so. Still amazed I even got to college. I didn’t just wanna beat people. That was too nice. That’s how the spoiled kids would fight. The ones who’d been going to a studio to learn how to fight. I wanted them to fear me. I wanted them to dread getting in the ring with me. I didn’t even want them to consider being able to win. I never fought dirty, though, not once.

A – Did you have to deal with people who did fight dirty?

B – I guess so, yeah. I lost a few fights I shouldn’t of. I should’ve beat them, but sometimes I think they was cheatin’, sometimes I just wasn’t focused. That happens sometimes, yaknow? Sometimes you’d get in the ring and they wouldn’t of put a good opponent on the other side and it’s real easy to make new challenges for yourself. Not that I ever underestimated my opponents, just that I tried to make it harder on myself sometimes. Gotta win without changing levels, without using a particular move, yaknow?

A – Didn’t you change your challenge when you started to lose?

B – Nah, it was that honor code again. If I set myself up against a challenge I’m gonna see it through. Either I win or I don’t. That simple. They never win, though. I lose. Big difference there. If they won then they’d be better than me, which never happened.

A – How did your life change with Liz became ill?

B – Well, honestly, at first I didn’t know what to do. I really took it to people in the ring, just to get some of it out. Feelings, I guess? I dunno, I wasn’t really angry at first, I just felt a lot all at once.

A – Did you ever get angry about it?

B – Well, the hard part was there wasn’t no one to get angry at, yaknow? If there was someone clearly to blame, I coulda taken them out and at least felt better, but it’s not like you could fight cancer in the ring. Just don’t work that way. I had to trust the white coats to take care of her. I just paid the bills.

A – Were you worried about making ends meet then?

B – For me? Nah, I’ll always be fine. I just had to make sure they gave her what she needed. That’s all that really mattered, in the end. I’m still here, she ain’t. So she needed more than I did. I’m tough, I’ll survive.

A – Is there anything you would’ve changed about that time, how you acted?

B – Well, maybe. I mean, like I said I fought a little harder than I should’ve sometimes, which meant I couldn’t fight as often, with the sanctions and all. And I guess I could’ve gotten more money that way if I’d held back in some-a those fights, but I wouldn’t change it, no, then it wouldn’t have been me in the ring, or next to Liz in the hospital.

A – Tell me about when your mother died.

B – Wow, didn’t expect that one-two, I just finished talking about Liz! Give me a break here!

A – Would you rather talk about another subject?

B – No, like I said, I’m tough, I just wanted to worry you some. When mom died, it was…it was just weird is what it was. I mean, she’d always worked hard and helped out when she could, but she didn’t have many opportunities. Never sold her body, never stripped. Mom had pride, just like me. That’s where I got it from. But by the time she died, we’d drifted apart. Hadn’t talked for over a year, really. She affected me a lot better than dad ever did. Mom was a role model. Dad was an example of how to screw your life up.

A – Did you mother’s death change your relationship with your dad?

B – Hell no! He didn’t even show up for a week after we found out she was dying! I’m surprised he even made it before we lost her. He just asked if she’d “croaked” yet. The nerve of that guy. I guess that’s why they always told ya to use protection in school, some people shouldn’t ever have a kid. If it hadn’t been for me, he never would’ve stayed with her. And never should have. Sometimes, when I was younger, I used to wish I hadn’t been born, or that dad hadn’t known about me, so he would’ve left mom. Would’ve been better for her and for us.

A – Have you considered having a family at some point?

B – Well, it’s a thought I’ve had, but I haven’t found a man yet who can keep up with me, in the ring or out. I used to think that maybe, just maybe, if I could fight a guy and get beat, maybe then I’d have an equal. Never a better. No one’s better than me, but if someone could at least match me. But I’ve fought some of the best, and the others ran away and wouldn’t fight, who’s left to hold out hope for? I’ll probably just stay alone. It’s safer that way.

A – Safer in what way?

B – Well, no one can let you down if you’re alone. I’m not dependent upon anyone, so if anything bad ever happens to me, it’s my fault and I can change that.

A – Do you ever get lonely?

B – Sometimes, yeah, I guess. It’s better that way, though. I don’t want to get soft, and I would if I had someone in my life by this point. I always used to fight to protect Liz, then so they’d be scared of me. Now I’m just looking for anyone who can keep up, and I’m not gonna play any favors to the people I fight.

A – Have you considered retiring?

B – Well, not really, no. I probably should at some point, I guess, but I just don’t wanna. I’m not through yet. I think that’s the part so many people forget, you gotta get it out of you. Don’t worry about your legacy, don’t worry about your fans, the media, nobody but you. You gotta get it all out of your system before you can stop, even if it’s bad for your health. No matter how many times you get hit in the head, or break a bone. Just gotta keep going until it’s all done and out. The day I don’t want to is the day I stop fighting. I’ll still be the best, though, I will be until the day I die.

A – Any closing thoughts? We’re about out of time.

B – Well, I guess not really. My life has always been about fighting, in the alley where the parents wouldn’t see, in the ring, it’s all been the same. Didn’t matter the level I was fighting, I was always the best, and my opponents knew it. They always respected me and that’s all that matters. If people don’t respect and fear you, life doesn’t matter. And I know those are different things, but they’re both important in fighting. Fear is to keep them from taking the chances they need to in order to beat ya, respect is so they don’t take you lightly and you can get a real fight out of it. That’s where the fun of the fight is, watching someone give their all, work their hardest, and then still falling short because your best is better than their best. That simple. If only all of life were that simple. Politicians could just see who was better and that’d be that. Countries send a representative and fight for the world order. Especially since I’d always win and we’d be the best damn country in the world.

A – Glad to see you’ve still got that fighting spirit, thank you again for…

B – I’ll never lose that fighting spirit. Never.

A – I suppose that is true. Thank you again for letting me interview you.

B – No problem, seems the least I can do.

Man on the Moon

Today is no less than 40 years after a man landed on the moon. There was also someone who came after, who was on the command module, someone who directed the traffic back on Earth and so on. We really only know the one, maybe two names. Armstrong and Aldrin. Neil and Buzz. I want to be someone who’s best in the world at something. I fully intend to become a World Champion at something. I will likely work towards being a World Champion in Ballroom Dance. I also firmly believe that I have the capability to do so. Especially with the help of my coach. I don’t know if I’ll ever become someone who is as well-known as Neil or Buzz, but I fully intend to reach high. I’m going to be a World Champion. I’m going to pursue and achieve a Master’s in Music and Philosophy both, and likely a Doctorate in both. I intend to become a published author. I will force myself to persevere through to become a truly remarkable person. I want to impress my mentors. All of them. I want all of them to be terribly impressed with what I’ve accomplished. I want to know people and be someone that people want to know. I will be as ambitious as I possibly can be. I will put together a recital by the Spring Semester of this school year. I will work through the relative newness in dance at UNR and perform in one or both of the concerts. I will choreograph something for the Student Dance Concert in the Spring. I will graduate with a double major and a minor. I will then teach Ballroom while practicing towards competition. I will make a splash in the competition scene. I will become someone that young dancers look up on youtube to study and be amazed by. I will be a remarkable host to my friends and family. I will learn how to cook more food and healthier, tastier food. I will host people for get togethers. I will make it a point to have more people over. I have made similar posts in the past, and I will achieve whatever I am able to. I will work until I am satisfied. I will never be satisfied.

Spoons and Eggs

Well that was an unexpected image to show up in stumbleupon. Oh well, I suppose fertilization is as nonsensical as any other possible topic. Not something I’ve had to deal with, given the lack of sex in my life. Do I wonder about it? Of course I do. In a lot of ways I just want to see what it’s like. With you, with the same person I thought it would happen with for a long time, but that doesn’t seem to be an option, lately. Maybe I should realize that life is not like a dream and I shouldn’t have expectations, or hopes, or dreams. I should just pursue that which has happened, rather than what could have been or what should have been. What I wish had been. I should write more, but I don’t know anymore.

Maybe It’s the Wine

Or maybe it’s watching Dead Poets Society. I’ve gotten too caught up in living to be alive. I need to do more, be more. I need to stop rationalizing. I need to stop needing. I must do. I simply will do. I am doing. I have done. Now I will make changes. I have made changes. I am changing now, even as we speak. I won’t worry about it. I shall yell out a barbaric YAWP and embrace Mr. Whitman himself, following Mr. Thoreau to suck the marrow out of life. Living my life deliberately. Realizing the sheer power over myself and my life that I have. If I want to do something then I will do it. If I don’t do it, then I will stop making excuses and reevaluate myself and my desires. I will learn more piano music. I will learn more organ music. I will resolve the situation with the church. I will prepare music adequately for a recital to be performed some time next year. I will cause trouble. I will make people angry. I will make people happy. I will make people cry. I will make people feel. I will make them live. All that matters is that emotion is felt. I must force them to leave their time-honored traditions, their precious routines, their habits. I will force them to change their lives, for the better. If their lives go towards the worth accidentally, so be it. I will instigate, I will motivate, I will abdicate my unfortunate attributes. I will only embrace that which I wish truly to have within my life. If you want to come along with me on this trip, fine. If you don’t, then I will have to convince you to change your mind so that I will have some company to keep me warm in the cold bitter winter of our discontent. Made glorious by this summer of york, or some such bullshit. Passion, however passive it may be, should rule over my life. I will cut out those parts of my life that do not serve the greater good of my goals. This is my statement, my pledge to myself and to the world. I will inspire, I will achieve, I will amaze.

Stats

Quantifying is fun, isn’t it? I was looking over my statistics for views on this blog recently and noticed that apparently there have been 292 views of Tiny Teddy, one of my posts. There have also been 173 views of The Corals – Dreaming of You. I can understand the second one, seeing as how if someone searched for the song or the lyrics, they would accidentally stumble upon it. I’m much more confused by the other one. I’m really not so sure why it is that it’s so popular. Just curious, I suppose. Most of the rest have roughly 13 or so views apiece. So I have to assume that most of my viewers have only looked through each entry the one time and thereafter check only when there’s a new one. So why the spike on these two? We may never know…

Meta Musings

Sometimes I think it’d just be good to write without a purpose before I being setting words down upon the screen. The medium of writing seems to have changed without the language discussing it keeping up. Writing is still referred to as setting words down, although now it’s the pressing of buttons creating a digital fingerprint that is realized as pixels on a screen. Somehow, after I’m done writing, er, typing, the text will still be stored in a completely nonvisual fashion. Even when no one is actively viewing a representation of the data I’m currently creating, it still exists. So, what I’m creating doesn’t exist in terms of a visual realization, it exists seperately from the standard conceptions of the written word. Given the topic of my writing this evening I doubt that the finished work itself would be the same if I were crafting it using pen and paper.

Also, is it important that the parchment I scribble upon, metaphorically, of course, is so completely removed from the original version of the exercise? Similarly do other conditioning elements factor importantly into the invention of the paragraphs? I’m prone to think that inevitably will the surrounding environment affect the inspiration. However, seeing as how nothing exists within a vacuum, it isn’t notable enough to be overly focused upon. Sorry post-modernism. I think, instead, that it’s important to view the work seperately from the author. If the author is to be the focus of examination, then the work may be a lens through which to view him, as I am a dude after all, but the contrasting statement is not as lucid. If I wish to view the work, it is not necessary to know the author. If this were so, then any and all anonymous works would be worthless. The artwork itself has independent value from the artist.

But, if we look at the works completely in a vacuum, completely abandoning all our understanding of the unique personality of the writer and the singular circumstances surrounding the creative process, then we are robbing ourselves of valuable data that could be used to enrich the understanding of the work. So it seems that the work does have its own inherent value, but that the value can be supplemented by an understanding of the origins of that work. Thus, the identity of the author is a purely additive understanding, but without that understanding, nothing is lost. Instead the extra value is not gained. The absence before presence is different than absence after presence. This leads me to theories regarding death, but I doubt many people feel like reading that after what they’ve already managed to endure. So, instead, I’ll leave the entry at its current length. Just long enough to be interesting without being of such length as to overstay its welcome. Yes, I’ve given my blog entry consciousness and it now possesses the ability to annoy you the same way an overly exuberant house guest is able to. Simply glorious.

Fate

Google the Fates!

So what does everyone think about fate, anyway? I’m not normally a big fan of the concept. I much prefer free will, but it seems sometimes much like I’m destined to do certain things. Today I had a complex series of events that led to a couple of rather fortunate occurrences. I changed a couple of plans and was rewarded for following my gut. It just felt right and I’m somewhat stimulated by the serendipitous results of those decisions. I mean, I didn’t expect to meet someone that would reinforce some of my thoughts so much in just one evening, nor did I expect to happen to be in the right place for a friend without any real forethought to the discussion. Typically I can see it coming at least to some extent. In this instance, however, I had no expectations of it whatsoever. I suppose given effort I could’ve expected it, but I didn’t spend that effort. I just flowed with the sequence of events. Makes me think, I’ll admit. I can’t help but wonder about all things philosophical in relation to such good luck in successive sequence. Then again, the Taoist in me disagrees with that thought. I do still tend much towards Taoism and that the events are neither good nor bad, instead they are just events. I can apply meaning to them, but they don’t have inherent meaning. For some reason, however, that’s a much easier school of thought to maintain while the times are bad. When times are good I’d much prefer the thought that somehow a force, be it God, the universe or the fates, is looking out for and planning out the positive events in my life.

Mashup

Beethoven\’s Fifth Gold Digger (Kanye West vs. Beethoven vs. Walter Murphy)

I gotta admit. I do find the notion of a mashup very very interesting. I’ll have to pursue more examples of it. Here’s an example to begin the blog entry. Perhaps it will make the reading of this entry more interesting. Mashups are of course the combination of two or more songs, typically pop songs. My opening salvo here is Beethoven’s Fifth Gold Digger (Kanye West vs. Beethoven vs. Walter Murphy). Fairly interesting combination, that one. Check out Best of Bootie 2006 CD for more information. I’m sure you can google it. It’s just such an interesting concept to me. Taking two disparate influences and forging them into a new, hopefully more stimulating package. Breathes new life into old songs. I don’t know whether or not I’ll ever pursue the creation of such songs or use them as anything more than highly enjoyable listening, but it doesn’t really matter either way. I suppose there’s something to be said for such an art, and I’ll keep you updated as I find more out about it.

The Corals – Dreaming of You

What’s up with my heart when it skips a beat,
cant feel no pavement right under my feet,

up in my lonely room
when im dreaming of you
oh what can I do
I still need you but
I don’t want you now

when I’m down and my hands are tied
I can not reach a pen for me to draw the line
from this pain I just cant disguise
it’s gonna hurt but I’ll have to say goodbye

up in my lonely room
when im dreaming of you
oh what can i do
i still need you but
i dont want you now

oh yeah

up in my lonely room
when im dreaming of you
oh what can i do
i still need you but
i dont want you now

Interesting stuff, really. Just as songs go. The lyrics are excessively simple and the music is very repetitive. I’m trying to use prompts to stimulate more writing and make the entries I write more focused. It’s harder than it seemed to write using a prompt, actually. I suppose I’ve fixated upon this song as of late because I miss feeling this way. I miss having someone in my life that affects me so much. I mean some of it rings true, admittedly, “up in my lonely room” is somewhat familiar, although my room is not really above anything so it’s rarely up anywhere. However, “when I’m dreaming of you/oh what can I do/I still need you but/I don’t want you now” is a little less direct. I find myself switched around there. I do still dream of you, but I don’t need you, I only want. It’s a much harder impulse to acknowledge. Seemingly a need is undeniable and thus easily excusable, but a want is selfish and much harder to justify. The opening is more what I am nostalgic about: “What’s up with my heart when it skips a beat/can’t feel no pavement right under my feet.” Very few people, women actually, have made my heart skip a beat as of late. My feet seem planted upon the pavement whenever paved surfaces are available to me for walking. I can think of a few people with whom this has happened, but it is a very short list and those women are largely unavailable for various reasons. Had a chance with one, but I think fate has intervened and I won’t get a chance to expand any possibilities. I don’t know why, but I suppose it’d be better than just losing at the game again. I sometimes wish I knew what the rules were, at least a little better.